Heart Yearns

How my heart yearns
To know what it wants.
How it years, aches, pounds
For something that has meaning
For something that has feeling.
Laughter and smiling faces,
Sadness and weeping eyes,
Emotion and satisfaction,
Lust and seduction,
Comfort and tenderness,
Unconditional love and intimacy,
Dancing and pulsing bodies with joy,
A child’s smile, an elder’s wisdom,
Living life side by side with someone,
Finding something new in every moment,
Knowing my God and His abundant love,
Seeing Him in every atom, in every galaxy.
Wonder and mystery, never satisfied
Never happy, yet always full of joy
Full of questions, full of answers
Seeing every star and pondering their names
Seeing every tree and awed by their stories.
Wondering what each could tell, what each could share
Full of memory, full of life
Full of passing from one era to the next.
How short, how fleeting life is.
It starts with crawling and crying
It continues with uneasiness in yourself;
Hoping that someone cares that you are unique.
Then ambition hits and every step is climbing the ladder.
You want to be significant; to matter
Every moment is spent trying to make a difference.
Then age catches you and the only thing that matters
Are those that saw you crawl so many years ago.
It ends with crying, hoping and wonder.
Wondering whether someone will care,
Wondering whether someone will notice you were unique,
Wondering whether those that you saw crawl will be with you.
Then it ends with a final breath, a final gasp
It ends like it began, gasping for one more breath
Gasping for one more glimpse…just one more look.
Experiencing death is perhaps the most important part of life.
It is only the second thing that we all experience:
Birth and death, the thing that makes us truly fragile and mortal.
We desperately don’t want it to end, we desperately want to delay it.
We want to add more breathes to the last one that will come.
But we know it will come, so we try to make it count
We try to make it worth it, we try to find glory,
We strive for riches, fame, acceptance and greatness.
We try to experience every pleasure we can think of,
Every imaginative experience that we can conceive we try.
But then we see it coming, and it all of a sudden become worthless.
It is in that moment that we truly know what it was that we couldn’t find.
Maybe it is because people have been seeking it, always falling short.
It’s like a storm coming in from the sea
It gets closer and closer, darker and darker.
The rumbles get louder, and the waves get bigger
Then all of sudden it gets quiet, the wind stops for a moment
And it seems that every leaf, every drop of water and grain of sand listens.
In that moment there is something that every creature, every atom strives for
It is what every human being was really looking for, what they longed for.
Every atom stops, and every sound is gone, because it feels something,
Something deep and able to be described in one word. Peace.
Let me feel like I have never felt,
Let me see like I have never seen,
Love like I have never love, and give like I have never given.
Let me know what it means to breath my first and last every day,
So that when my last day comes I will feel that peace.
That peace that passes all understanding.

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lkesde flor flkesde...

I always thought that being an artist was a great thing. I always thought that the singer would be the one that was given the chance to sing. I always thought that the guitar player would be given the chance to play the guitar. I always thought that being an artist was something much more than performing. I always thought that being an artist was so much more than making money. I always thought that being an artist was so much more. I thought that it was about showing truth in a way that people had not thought about. I thought that it was about showing something beautiful. I thought it was about showing something sad that only human emotions could feel. I thought that it was something that separated humanity from animals. The ability to create and show that man was indeed created to be a creator. I thought it was about showing people a perspective that could not be shown unless done through that art. I thought that without art the world would be less beautiful, it would not feel as much, it would not care as much...
it seems that i was wrong though. Because artists are the most beautiful people. They are the most charismatic people. They are the best performers. They are the best entertainers. They are those who will do what is needed to makes sales.
I am sorry for those who gave us such great art. I am sorry that they gave us such a beautiful example that no one cares about. I am sorry that their will not be anyone like them again.

Masculine Renaissance

I would ask every man to look at this website and consider joining or at least becoming a pioneer in this cause. Please look at the 12 points at the bottom of the page. And please search through the rest of the website:
http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/AMIHistory.aspx

Thoughts from Europe

I just spent two wonderful weeks in Europe. My first destination was Riga, Latvia. Then I spent six days in the beautiful historical city of Prague. It was an amazing time for me in these two nations. There were a lot of thoughts that i had. So i will try and communicate some of them in this blog...and I hope that you will read it to the end.
While I was in Latvia I realized a lot of things about myself that were so refreshing, encouraging and inspiring. I realized why when I was growing up, all the way until very recently, my dream was to be in the ministry. I have often asked myself how is it that I could have had that desire. Going back made those desires seem so real again. Being in the ministry over there is so different than it is here in Nashville. Yes there are some amazing people here that are in the ministry and there are so many great leaders of our religion in this city. Yet the longer I have lived here the more that desire has faded. When I went there and saw how being in the ministry is really about two things. Two things that our entire life should be about anyways: loving god and loving people. There was such a refreshing sense of trying to help people find God. Such a sense of trying to help people walk through life as a shepherd to their soul and their spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational well-being. I even found myself feeling the rumblings within my own soul to do ministry again.
Another thing that I realized as I was there was how much we (myself, friends, and community) have lost the dream of reaching people for Jesus. We are all dreamers. Dreaming huge dreams to make the world a better place. But for some reason we have become humanistic in our desires to better mankind. We want to help people and give people a voice. However, we have taken Jesus out of the picture. We seek to share god's love without ever mentioning god. We seek to better mankind without ever mentioning its only true help. I dont know why we have become like this. We try not to "over-spiritualize" things. We try and create art that is relevant and creative but shy away from, no even mock those who use the name of Jesus and His gospel. That was something that was honestly very convicting to me while I was there. People there burn, weep, crave for the salvation of peoples souls. They live to see one more life come to Jesus. There is no shame of His name, no shame of his message, and no shame of being bold enough to say that He and He alone is what I can offer you. I realized within my own heart how much I had become deliberate about doing things that were humanitarian, and effective but that eliminated Jesus. Of course you know that I very much want to be creative in how I share the gospel, create art, and live life. But someone said to me there, "I want to be radical for him. I want to be able to get to the place where I can be like Paul in saying, let me be damned if it would mean saving Israel." I thought wow...give me a heart again to see people come to Jesus. Not just better their outward live, but to preach the gospel to those who need Him. And let me run to you...yes be radical for you. I saw that when christians are friends there, they dont just hang out, have a good laugh and go home. Their spiritual lives are intertwined. They are striving together. Fighting for each other. But what made it so inspiring is that it is so not about them. It is about the dream. The dream of finding god. And the dream of reaching a world for Jesus. We WERE once like this...
One other thing that I realized while I was there is how beautiful it is to love one's country. I came to firmly believe the more I was in Europe how each person from their own country should protect their culture, land, and people. There are a lot of things that are happening in Europe that are detrimental because as a continent they have tried to implement a philosophy of open borders. There is something beautiful and extremely necessary about protecting your nation from those things that you do not want there. I talked to some people from Spain while I was in Prague, and they told me how much they were tired of people coming to their nation and living there and losing Spanish culture. I heard these same words from a Latvian man in Riga. Yes we should be open to other cultures, and visit the world. We can learn from many cultures. But there is a line that we must draw in the sand and say that this is our property. Just like we have our own houses and we dont just let anyone come into our homes or we dont all just share one big community house. And we must be patriotic of being who we are. IT is a beautiful thing to love one's country, and love one's countrymen.
So those are some of my thoughts....so many more...maybe i can write more sometime

Donkeys and Fish

Donkeys and fish don't go together
Neither should we have peace forever.
Frustration comes like a hunch
Or a fighters ugly right punch.
How many Americans have had a dream?
Millions of them other than Martin Luther King
Donkeys and fish dont go together
Just like if horses had a feather.
Sit down and watch the fireworks,
Sing with a bunch of disillusioned jerks.
Then hear the knocking at your door,
And you ask what was all that crap for?

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day. Most of us are sleeping in and doing things that are relaxing. Probably all of us are going to some kind of Barbecue or cookout. We are going to eat a lot, laugh a lot, probably drink a lot and enjoy a holiday from work, school, and most other obligations. Have we forgotten what we are actually celebrating? Are we really celebrating anything? This day is honor the thousands of men and women who have died, and sacrificed their lives for this country. I am sure the families of the fallen, who have lost their loved ones recently are not so festive and merry. It seems though that we have really lost the meaning of most of our holidays in America. Thanksgiving becomes more about stuffing oneself rather than remembering what we are thankful for and who are thankful to. Christmas becomes a craze to get gifts rather than celebrate the one true selfless gift. St. Patrick's day becomes a day to drink silly rather than remember one of history's great reformers. Memorial day is a day of remembering the fallen. It is a day of sorrowful thankfulness. I guess I have personally been convicted about this because I dont want to become a citizen who does not give praise to where praise is due, comfort to where comfort is due, and honorable silence when it is due. I just found out that when I did a little research that actually one of the things that is done for Memorial day is a national moment of remembrance at 3 p.m ET. I never knew this but i am sure most of us do not do this, or as in my case never even heard of it. So let us come back to what this holiday is truly about. Let us not forget the fallen or their families. Let us ask God for grace and mercy on them that are mourning. And let us honor those that were so young, so brave, and so honorable that they were willing to as in the words of Abraham Lincoln, "sacrifice their lives on the alter of freedom."

Libraries of Perry's

One of my dreams is to have my own library. I have already begun accumulating books. I would love for all of you to recommend books to read. Anything and everything. Try to think of things that maybe people wouldnt think of. So please don't recommend the Bible, (Love it, but got it). So recommendations!

Fine arts for poor people

So I decided to vent my frustration on a recent Artistic expedition. On Saturday we tried to go to the Ballet, Romeo and Juliet. We went to purchase tickets and came to find that it was $30 for relatively bad seating. To our dismay we could not offord this and had to leave. Now this bothered me for reasons that I know have nothing to do with the laws of Economics, so please dont label me an idiot. But it bothered me because I realized that due to the lack of finiances we were unable to go and see one of the great productions of the arts. I see this as a great injustice. We were art lovers going to partake in the appreciation of art and the feeding of our souls and we were turned away because of prices that we could not pay. What makes this even worse is that by the looks of the auditorium minutes before the start of the show it was obvious that it was not nearly close to being full.
How do we expect to have a renaissance of culture in our country if people like us cannot afford it? This is why I feel like Youtube should be allowed for purposes of education. Do you know how many incredible historical concerts are on there that we would have no access to? I am not saying that everything should be free, but there is a hindrance put onto people that are still trying to merely survive financially and the fine arts are once again given to the elite and the ones that can afford it. I just wish that we could make the fine arts the language of the people once again and part of that can come through making things affordable and accessible so that young professionals can enlighten themselves to the great classics of history. I am tired of having money stop people from that. I think it is an injustice.

Ode to a Peacock

There was a peacock who couldnt sleep
He tossed and turned and counted sheep
But he could not find his happy place
Or find rest to soothe his pretty face

Oh you peacock, your feathers are bright
They are large, colorful, silky and light
They scare the other animals of the wild
Parents take pictures to give to their child

Oh you peacock, how we admire when you strut
Such elegance and charm only gods could construct
Look kindly on those beneath your feathers
Don't hold to yourself all your earthly treasures

Oh you Peacock, like a wild bear
Reign in your domain with care
Don't forget your long scarfs to share
Don't our imperfection to your perfection compare

What is good art?

I had a very interesting conversation with some Belmont students this last week on Art. We were talking about how music is developing and what the difference is between being a someone who plays an instrument or sings and an artist. There is a difference. Just like there is a difference between things that are "created" and art. This raised the question is there such a thing as good art? Of course there are two problems that arise when we ask this question: first how do we define what is art, and second how do we define what is good?
Its difficult for me to really define what is art because it is something that is so subjective. We hear the stereotypical examples of modern and post-modern paintings where the paint was thrown or done with some kind of bizarre techniques. What do most of us say? I could have done that. Of course the illogical thing to that is that we didn't do it, but someone else thought of it. Another question that arises is must art have the intention of being art? If someone makes a chair is it art or simply someone making something? I think that there needs to be the intention of something being created to be art.
The hardest question is what is good in the context of this question? Of course this is something that is extremely subjective. But couldnt we all agree that Beethoven is good art? Rembrandt made good art? So maybe good art is only those that have stood the test of time. Making the Beetles, Elvis, U2 good art?
I would love to hear thoughts on this issue.

hopeless and wretched

I am amazed at how easily it is to mess up. It seems that i fall down all the time. Sure we get back up. Try again, but how many times does god forgive and give chances? Maybe we have to come to place where we dont like our sin so much that we feel hopeless and wretched. Of course that is the problem...hating our sin. Its easy to say it when we ask for forgiveness because we know that it is what we are supposed to say and acknowledge. I dont have true it actually is in my own heart. The problem is that i do hate it. I hate it because i know that it hurts the heart of god. I know that i "feel" guilt. And as Spurgeon said, "nothing torments a man's soul like a convicted conscience." But then why do i go back? As human beings our brains are designed to avoid those things that dont feel good. Most sin doesnt even feel good in the act. Of course there is some desire there otherwise it would not be attractive. But if i know that it hurts god, i know that it torments my soul, and i know that i will not enjoy it, why do I run without question, and without hesitation? I long to be free. Free from myself. Maybe thats not a good desire, obviously putting blame on oneself must be in the right attitude, otherwise it is merely feeling sorry for oneself or self-mutilation. I want neither of those. I simply want to be free from the addiction of sin. Yes addiction because it is the only word to describe the tendency of going back again and again to the same place looking for something. I want god to find pleasure in me, to let his holy presence dwell with me. How i long to be able to have intimacy with him. I have come to understand that i am hopeless and wretched. left to myself I am simply a guide and leader to my own destruction. With my strength i am not able to fight the slightest desires. I implore the giver of hope, and the leader of the hopeless to give the strength of self-control, and the grace to be free.

You must have a name

There’s a social place with many people
Laughter can be heard all around
A couple whispers loving secrets
Books and words greatly abound

You sit alone and lonely you are
You must have a story; you must have a name
Every face itself has seen in a thousand mirrors
Every eye has cried tears of pain

This morning the world wakes up
Your existence unknown and unsought
Tonight every eye will shuts in wandering dreams
You say a little prayer wishing it to be eternity

Sitting there in your chair I see your thoughts:
Will no one come speak to me you ask?
Is there no one who cares to hold my hand?
Does no one notice I don’t smile anymore?

I don’t know if tonight will let you live one more day
I don’t know honestly if I would notice if you died
I don’t know if any tears would be shed for your loss
But I do know that I saw you sitting there, and I won’t forget

Summer's breeze

There is a breeze in the air that delights
All the senses both touch and sight
It smells of spring and winter’s farewell
And a stirring to find where adventures dwell

The colors of the wind mesmerize me
They seduce my soul and lead me
To the forest where the trees dance in the wind
They sway hoping to touch each others limb

Then the breeze suddenly passes on
Silence descends like mist on a pond
It leaves you frozen surrounded by trees
Afraid and in love simultaneously unable to flee

Silence comes as a woman, one who is despised today
Despised for peering into your soul, evil and good she weighs
She opens the doors of your darkest chambers
Mocking and judging your prideful arrogance

Can you hear it? The sound of Pan’s echo
His voice has seduced many a friend and foe
He calls those by their names and commands the wind
Winds with a purpose, a specific destination and origin

Oh mighty wind, your calls make me ache
Take me with you to be wild and never wake
Call my name and lead me to where trees speak
And that woman silence with me to dwell will seek

why care?

I was thinking today about why we care. Maybe a better way to ask, and really the question that i asked was why do I care. This question can include a lot of different things. Why do i care about what people think about me? Why do i care about how people feel? Why do I care about getting to know other people when they don't care to get to know me? We uphold the great people of history that put others before themselves. Jesus spoke of being a servant and encouraged putting others first. Gandhi and Mother Teresa cared for those in who society left to die. But why? Why do we want to be like them?
The reality is that our lives revolve around ourselves. I have come to realize how terribly self-centered i am. I want to come and people to ask me how i am doing and care about my story and my life. This is not a bad desire, perhaps there is nothing more human than to be wanted and to desire to be loved. But why do we think that it is necessity for us to care for others? Why do we ask how people are and ask people about their lives when most of those people we completely do not think about and care about when we are not in their company. Maybe our conscience requires feeling like it has caused us to step outside of our comfort zone in order to make someone else feel better.
I guess I don't understand why we care...why does the need to make other people feel better cause us such great concern? Most people dont care about others. Humanity is beautiful...we truly are beautiful creatures capable of the most wonderful acts of kindness and love. But why...

Disgusted

It takes a lot of guts to speak up against something in today's society. The only thing that is safe to criticize are christians and the church. Say something negative about Jews, gays, blacks, muslims, and polish and you get shocked gasps of how could you and calls of bigot. We see it in our political world as well. Everything is sacred except when one acts on the foundation of christian rights.
For some reason we have come to a place where we think that peace is the only way to go. The only way for us to behave is peaceful. What makes this even more interesting is that this "peaceful" movement is led by young people. College students and young professionals. People that have never known true war, devastation and hardship. They go about speaking about how war is evil and destructive. They weep when speaking about aggressive policies that lead to suffering. This comes from people that have never gone hungry, never held a victim of war, and never suffered the consequences of violence. I am disgusted with this. We have become desperately passive.
How i envy those who have the passion to die for what they believe! How i envy those who are willing to fight for their cause! People are stupid enough to think that peace is good always. Why do we just sit and do nothing? The heroes that we admire throughout history shook the world because they fought. Jesus included. How i long to be part of a crusade! Yes i know that evil word. There has been a castration of youth and i dont want to be part of it anymore.